It has been a couple of months ago since I wrote a journal. As you can see I'm not a * anymore, so no cool journal lay-out this time. But it's okay, because I haven't been quite active on here anyway. I hope you all can forgive me.

There is -and has been so much going on in my life! I have endured a LOT of stress because I'm having a nasty health problem. After a lot of examinations at least I've come to know that it is not some terrible, life-threatening disease. However, the prospect of having to endure this for the rest of my life isn't quite cheering me up. The doctor said that me being a stressful and worrying person also isn't really helping. On the other hand, neither is he; there is no treatment against it, only some medication to keep it a bit under control. I am becoming more and more impatient with myself after 3 months. Dealing with stress and thinking more positive isn't easy when it just seems to be not in your system. But especially now I need it so badly. So I'm having conversations with a confidential person from school and taking yoga-classes. I don't want to make myself going down in a negative spiral. It would be the easiest way though, because now I find myself trying to climb out of it but I'm only whirling; neither going up or down anymore. I wish happiness could be a more natural feeling for me. I am after all a very lucky girl. I have a cute, caring bf, a nice space to live, food and drink, clothes... a laptop! What else?

Also despite this difficult period I still managed to pass from the 3rd to the 4th year in art academy. Only one more year and I am a certified artist I should be more proud on what I have achieved, but I never really am. My work and process are always under construction. Yet this is not always visible to others directly. It often needs some time for me to get it out. And to get it out it is important for me being in an environment that is encouraging and motivating, focused not only on what I can't, but also (probably even more) on what I can. Sadly that is not what I experienced this past year on the art academy. Although it is true that I often tend to pick up things more negatively then they are meant by others. But hey, my works are like my kids to me! I know that is a bad comparison because I don't like kids at all! You can read about that in my previous journal But, there is this strong connection between my person and my work. It is something that at first must grow inside before it is ready to come out. Then at first it is not immediately full-grown and still vulnerable. One must cherish it, surround it only with loving care and patience. For me making a huge charcoal drawing takes weeks! And in these weeks I must protect it against opinions that doesn't really matter. They must wait until it is 'ready'. Then, if something negative is said about it, it feels like my own being is under attack -because after all I am it's creator and carry responsibility. My teachers say I'm too serious, I must learn to take my distance every now and then. They might be right... a little.

But that's enough ranting about health and art for now! *sturm and me are going to the M'era luna festival in Germany where we'll hopefully meet the ever beautiful ~Palandurwen ...and after that we'll be on vacation, also in Germany ... health problems or not -I can take them with me. It will be a welcome distraction anyway and we're just going to have some fun and relax.

Take all good care of yourselves people -and be good!